If your the parent of a preschooler, it may be difficult to determine if that bump you hear in the middle of the night is a unwanted intruder or simply your little one, leaving their bed and traveling to yours. And while no one would venture to say that there are times when you would rather not see your child's sweet face, you'd probably be happier if it appeared on your pillow at 7 a.m. rather than 2 a.m.
The problem with a child who has trouble with sleep -- whether it's falling asleep or staying that way -- is that it affects more than one person -- the child sure, but his parents or caregivers and anyone within earshot. Particularly bothersome is the child who regularly wakes in the middle of the night -- not only is it a well-being issue (not getting enough zzz’s can lead to lots of long and short term issues for your child, including health and their development), but a safety one as well -- presumably your house is dark in the middle of the night making your little one prone to stumbles and crashes.
And while some families embrace the idea of co-sleeping -- parents and child/ren sharing a bed -- not everyone is a fan. If you are in the latter group, there are steps you can take to reclaim your mattress. Here's how.
Be consistently firm. In the wee small hours of the morning, you are vulnerable. Half-asleep (fully asleep), tired and incoherent, it's likely you'd agree to anything if you could just roll over and get some more shut-eye. But when you allow your child into your bed, even if it is "just this once" you are setting a precedent. Now even if your little one has been bedsharing with you for a while (and you've welcomed it or not) this is a behavior that can be stopped. You just need to follow through each and every time.
While you are awake, share your plan. Once you've decided that you no longer wish to partake in the family bed, it's a good idea to let your preschooler in on what is going to happen ahead of time. So one morning or afternoon or maybe at the dinner table, when everyone is well-rested and calm, explain that she is no longer going to be able to come and sleep in your bed any longer and that if she does, you will be bringing her back to her own room. The reaction you are going to get will vary on the child. Some will say it's fine, others will have tears and still others may say nothing at all. Whatever she says, it's what happens at night that is the most important.
Time for bed. This is the hard part. Proceed as you normally would with your child's bedtime routine. Read a bedtime story or two, give your child a light snack, have him brush his teeth -- whatever it is that your child does every night before turning in. Whether your child has trouble staying in his bed from as soon as his head (doesn't) hit the pillow, or he's one that waits to wake until everyone else is asleep, follow the same script. Whenever he comes out, escort him back into his bed. Don't say at word, just return him to his room. As hard as it may be, don't give in to requests for one more drink or hug or kiss or story. Repeat as often as you need to. And know that it could be quite often.
Don't dismiss fears. If your child says it's a monster or a boogeyman or some other mystical force that is keeping her awake, indulge her need for reassurance. The first time. Before she goes to bed, do a complete search of her room -- under beds, in closets -- some parents even use "monster spray" (water with a hint of fragrance) to get rid of whatever it is that might be lurking. Consider using a night light or leaving a light on in a nearby hallway or room to provide needed illumination.
Have a sleep-over. For children who are really having a tough time with the transition, it might be a good idea to have mom or dad spend a few nights in their little one's room. Start off by sleeping close by and each night move further and further away until you are eventually wind up in your own space. If your child gets up to sleep with you, the rule above applies -- put him back in his bed as often as it takes. Again, no talking.
The door is there for a reason. It might seem cold, but some kids respond remarkably well to a physical barrier. Close the door at bedtime or, if your child doesn't respond well to that, use an indoor gate. It may be the thing they need to keep them in their own bed.
Reward good behavior. Reward charts are incredibly popular with kids this age. Give your child a sticker for every night that he stays in bed, fully through the night. Once he accumulates a predetermined number, offer a bigger prize -- a trip to the bookstore perhaps.
Saying goodbye to the family bed can be a tricky proposition, but not one you have to feel guilty about. Decide what works best for your family and go with it. Most important, above all, is that every member of your family gets a good night's sleep.
